Once upon a time… A phrase that launched a thousand tales most of which ending with some happy or better outcome: the poor girl who lost her shoes and gained a princes, the wooden boy made with love who became real, the kids that got lost and found the strength to defeat a hidden foe, the boy and his beans, the mermaid and her wishes, the sleeping girl who woke to find true love and so on and so forth… So what makes this story any different… Well A) this story is real and B) there is no happy ending..:

I once had starlight formed into beauty that was invisible to all but me; You see most would just look upon her and saw nothing special, nothing of worth because all they saw was her wonderful light… And though they would never admit it they were jealous of her shine.. Because she was special and all they could be at their very best was like everybody else… One day we saw one another.. I mean really saw one another: beyond the construct and concepts that we all seem to become on each others life. We looked into each other’s eyes and we saw beyond the defenses, the roles we assumed in trying to get by in a world that didn’t quite get us and in seeing one another truly for the first time we found in each other a kindred spirit. A long lost friend that we didn’t even know we had lost.

Then life got in the way. And we drifted farther and farther apart… Then one day.. I looked up and she was like everybody else just with one differences; the was hate in her heart for me.. Where there was once love, respect, a clear understanding of who I was and what I stood for not lived a beast of hate…

And I swear everytime I look into her eyes something in me gives up in dies… I won’t get all dramatic and say its pieces of my soul, though the pain makes me feel as much but I believe it to be every bit of me that was once apart of “us” finally realizing that in this reality she is nothing more than another person in the long line if person who hates me and has decided to give up and die…

So why tell this small fractured tale? Because at night, when I see the stars I think of her in secret and wonder if she does the same because though she will never read these words nor hear when I whisper into the night saying “I missy best friend” I need these words and the meanings and feelings warped up in them to leave my heart forever more so that the me of “us”; Starlight and I could finally and full die…

I have a light. And it warms me. It makes me do my best. It cherishes my pain and love, my good and bad, my crazy and ugly.. And if I am to bathe in this light of enlightenment and rapture must let go of all the chains of past hurts and free myself from the prison of guilt that hold me back which is the reason so these words… The Starlight once told me to get go, to take her hand and ascend above the hellish pain I carried as a sign of strength, as fuel for the fire the kept me going, as the only thing I knew would never change.. I slipped into my darkness and her hand slipped from me and when I emerged again there was pain in her heart and hate… I abandon her… And thighs before I would have lived everyday reminding myself of the pain so to prove that all I can do is hurt I will now use what happened as a reminder, as a reason to remember accountability…. I have a light, a life, a reason to fight

End